As Mark Twain once said, "I don't give a damn for a man who can only spell a word one way"
1. Damn is a pretty damn hard word. If you want to soften it a bit be like a lamb, damb it.
2. Always bare in mind bears in mind.
3. Time flows, the river flows, space flows. We can call them all flowers.
Non Language Suggestions
1. We live in such a digital age that it's easy to forget that other people are actually people. Their own entity to a certain extent. Because of this I suggest, from time to time, you touch someone else's nose with your index finger, from time to time, to remind yourself that they are people like you. Well, a bit like you. Fleshy at least. If they ask you what the hell you are doing, tell them it is an eskimo peck on the cheek. Make sure you do this to someone who will not punch you on the nose in return, though, at least, they shall be reminded that you are an actually a person too. If they ask you why eskimo's don't touch the other eskimo's cheek instead of their nose, tell them that eskimos like noses.
Me too, I like noses, I like my nose, I like breathing through it. I like scratching it too.
Saturday 26 May 2012
Friday 25 May 2012
76. Saying you are proud to be black is very different thing to say than that you are proud to be white. It's exactly the same thing to say. It is a dumb thing to say, you are not black, you are not white.
77. You are not disabled, you are not abled.
78. You are not American, you are not Taiwanese.
79. You are you.
80. Bear in mind people will always treat you as if you are black or white, disabled or abled, American or Taiwanese, whatever they think the case may be. They will not treat you as you. Forgive them as much as you can.
77. You are not disabled, you are not abled.
78. You are not American, you are not Taiwanese.
79. You are you.
80. Bear in mind people will always treat you as if you are black or white, disabled or abled, American or Taiwanese, whatever they think the case may be. They will not treat you as you. Forgive them as much as you can.
Thursday 24 May 2012
Sunday 20 May 2012
Appendix
My Friend's Story
I was on the bus. It was raining outside and before being on the bus I was not on the bus, I was outside in the rain. My feet were wet, my shoes were soaked and my socks were damp. I was trying to read a short story but I had bigger things my mind than the death of Ivan Ilyich, I was thinking I'm going to have to go to work with wet feet. Then I hear a friendly voice,
"Oh, ello."
The friendly voice was my friend's voice. I put aside my book and we talked. I asked him what he thought of the new 38 routemaster buses. He told me that he's always felt kind of nauseous on the bus and on these new 38's, he feels even more so. The ceilings are lower than they are on the older 38's, you see. Anyhow, Boris has got back in. Good for him you could say. A different friend of mine was once complaining about how Boris promised to lower wages somewhere or other, his office or something, but failed on this promise and instead raised these wages. It strikes me that raising wages is not the problem, it strikes me that it's wages not being raised that is the problem. What would I know about politics though? I'm not paid to think about these things. My friend and I were both heading to our jobs to be paid minimum wage.
By the time we reached Essex Road we were talking about the night bus. The 38 at night has been nicknamed, by my brother, the dirty-eight. My friend went into a story about waiting for the dirty-eight in the centre of London. It went like this,
"Man, waitin' for the 38, man. I was waiting for the 38 last week... There were these two lesbians arguing; 'you don't love me', 'I don't love you'. Just goin' at it. Lesbians can argue man. Could you imagine having two girlfriends? Could you imagine those girlfriends bein each others girlfriend? That's how bad lesbians can argue man. Then there's this girl sat there, pretty much passed out but just about awake. She gives me a wink. Well not a wink, but she was trying to. She was alright you know. I'd have gone along with it if she hadn't thrown up all over herself. Then this guy comes up to me and he's all like, 'They fucked me bruv, fucked me' and I'm just 'OK' and he goes 'you don't understand, they fucked me, they stuck their dicks up my arse mate' and now I'm thinkin' I've had enough of this. He keeps goin' on, 'they fucked me, what should I do' so I tell him 'well you could find some cops and tell them but if it was me I'd find out where they live and I'd burn their house up and make sure they're in it at the time'. He keeps going on. I just ended up walking to the next bus stop."
"Cool story", I said, thinking if only I could write something like that.
I was on the bus. It was raining outside and before being on the bus I was not on the bus, I was outside in the rain. My feet were wet, my shoes were soaked and my socks were damp. I was trying to read a short story but I had bigger things my mind than the death of Ivan Ilyich, I was thinking I'm going to have to go to work with wet feet. Then I hear a friendly voice,
"Oh, ello."
The friendly voice was my friend's voice. I put aside my book and we talked. I asked him what he thought of the new 38 routemaster buses. He told me that he's always felt kind of nauseous on the bus and on these new 38's, he feels even more so. The ceilings are lower than they are on the older 38's, you see. Anyhow, Boris has got back in. Good for him you could say. A different friend of mine was once complaining about how Boris promised to lower wages somewhere or other, his office or something, but failed on this promise and instead raised these wages. It strikes me that raising wages is not the problem, it strikes me that it's wages not being raised that is the problem. What would I know about politics though? I'm not paid to think about these things. My friend and I were both heading to our jobs to be paid minimum wage.
By the time we reached Essex Road we were talking about the night bus. The 38 at night has been nicknamed, by my brother, the dirty-eight. My friend went into a story about waiting for the dirty-eight in the centre of London. It went like this,
"Man, waitin' for the 38, man. I was waiting for the 38 last week... There were these two lesbians arguing; 'you don't love me', 'I don't love you'. Just goin' at it. Lesbians can argue man. Could you imagine having two girlfriends? Could you imagine those girlfriends bein each others girlfriend? That's how bad lesbians can argue man. Then there's this girl sat there, pretty much passed out but just about awake. She gives me a wink. Well not a wink, but she was trying to. She was alright you know. I'd have gone along with it if she hadn't thrown up all over herself. Then this guy comes up to me and he's all like, 'They fucked me bruv, fucked me' and I'm just 'OK' and he goes 'you don't understand, they fucked me, they stuck their dicks up my arse mate' and now I'm thinkin' I've had enough of this. He keeps goin' on, 'they fucked me, what should I do' so I tell him 'well you could find some cops and tell them but if it was me I'd find out where they live and I'd burn their house up and make sure they're in it at the time'. He keeps going on. I just ended up walking to the next bus stop."
"Cool story", I said, thinking if only I could write something like that.
Friday 18 May 2012
Thursday 17 May 2012
The last 35 maxims
35. My friend repeats himself a lot. Of course he does, he's a musician. The art of music is repetition. The art of music is avoiding repetitiveness. Believe it or not, he used to play bass with Sly.
36. Siddartha's penultimate step toward enlightenment was to stop learning from others. A lesson for teachers.
37. Siddartha's ultimate step toward enlightenment was to learn from himself. A lesson to us all.
38. I too repeat myself a lot, I'm an artist.
39. I repeat other people a lot too.
40. BE WARY OF ANYONE WHO CALLS THEMSELF AN ARTIST.
41. If you are open enough to it, there is poetry everywhere. For instance, '"Zac Effron just got hotter" HEAT magazine'.
42. All poetry is quite useless. However, I have gotten more out of certain Bob Dylan songs than I have out of certain bridges.
43. Only a poet could give a reasonable estimation of how useless poetry is.
44. Underestimation, overestimation, this is the nature of estimation.
45. The three R's are; Repetition, Repetition, Recidivism. I'm never gonna write another one of these again.
Pause.
46. I've lent out both Gravity's Rainbow and The Crying of Lot 49, and I know I shall never get them back. The person who borrowed them got as much, if not more, from them as me. Always share your literature.
47. There's plenty of people who never lend anything out. I can understand why. None of these rules are absolute.. not really.
48. "Freedom is nothing else but a chance to be better". Be humble... Causes>People. Really? REALLY??
49. What's with all these straight queers? Whatever happened to sticking your queer shoulder to the wheel?
50. For lots of groups this may be acceptable, but, as a person I cannot accept it, be wary of false tokenry politically correct acceptance.
51. If you snooze you win. You win a snooze. You may even win a dream or two.
52. Distractions are not distractions, they are ruminations.
53. The wonderful thing about procrastination is that it's so damn dangerous. "Beauty walks on razor's edge".
54. From working with lots of guys fresh off the boat I have learned how much more you can communicate with a gesture than a spoken sentence. From reading Peanuts I have learned how much more you can say with a picture than a sentence. All words are quite useless.Words are all I have to give.
55. The value of the Taj Mahal is not monetary, nor is it, necessarily, aesthetic. Its value is that it has a value beyond monetary value. If only we could realise this about everything.
56. I was on a bus reading possibly the greatest work of the greatest writer when a friend came on and I put the book aside to talk to him. He told me a story that I'm still chuckling over.
57. The price of greatness is idiocy; firstly other people's, secondly your own.
58. Part of Tolstoy's greatness is that he has a very low opinion of people but he doesn't think any less of them for it.
59. Death is one of the biggest five letter words. So is Funny. So is Grace.
60. All you need is love. All you need is a buck. All you need is a fuck. All you need is some time to yourself. All you need is a break. All you need is a gun. All you need is a job. All you need is a holiday. All you need is a drink. All you need is a detox. Need I go on?
61. All you need is whatever. Whatever helps you make it through the night.
62. If the future is infinite then so is the past. All infinities are spurious. There's a syllogism in there if you wish to finish it.
63. Most syllogisms should go unfinished.
64. BE WARY OF APHORISMS.
65. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I repeat myself a lot.
66. When repeating yourself try not to become repetitive.
67. As Alan Moore did in Superman: Whatever Happened To The Man Of Tommorrow, try to finish with a wink.
68. More to the point, as Alan Moore did in Watchmen, try to finish with a wink.
69. Always cast your pearl amongst swine.
70. ;)
36. Siddartha's penultimate step toward enlightenment was to stop learning from others. A lesson for teachers.
37. Siddartha's ultimate step toward enlightenment was to learn from himself. A lesson to us all.
38. I too repeat myself a lot, I'm an artist.
39. I repeat other people a lot too.
40. BE WARY OF ANYONE WHO CALLS THEMSELF AN ARTIST.
41. If you are open enough to it, there is poetry everywhere. For instance, '"Zac Effron just got hotter" HEAT magazine'.
42. All poetry is quite useless. However, I have gotten more out of certain Bob Dylan songs than I have out of certain bridges.
43. Only a poet could give a reasonable estimation of how useless poetry is.
44. Underestimation, overestimation, this is the nature of estimation.
45. The three R's are; Repetition, Repetition, Recidivism. I'm never gonna write another one of these again.
Pause.
46. I've lent out both Gravity's Rainbow and The Crying of Lot 49, and I know I shall never get them back. The person who borrowed them got as much, if not more, from them as me. Always share your literature.
47. There's plenty of people who never lend anything out. I can understand why. None of these rules are absolute.. not really.
48. "Freedom is nothing else but a chance to be better". Be humble... Causes>People. Really? REALLY??
49. What's with all these straight queers? Whatever happened to sticking your queer shoulder to the wheel?
50. For lots of groups this may be acceptable, but, as a person I cannot accept it, be wary of false tokenry politically correct acceptance.
51. If you snooze you win. You win a snooze. You may even win a dream or two.
52. Distractions are not distractions, they are ruminations.
53. The wonderful thing about procrastination is that it's so damn dangerous. "Beauty walks on razor's edge".
54. From working with lots of guys fresh off the boat I have learned how much more you can communicate with a gesture than a spoken sentence. From reading Peanuts I have learned how much more you can say with a picture than a sentence. All words are quite useless.Words are all I have to give.
55. The value of the Taj Mahal is not monetary, nor is it, necessarily, aesthetic. Its value is that it has a value beyond monetary value. If only we could realise this about everything.
56. I was on a bus reading possibly the greatest work of the greatest writer when a friend came on and I put the book aside to talk to him. He told me a story that I'm still chuckling over.
57. The price of greatness is idiocy; firstly other people's, secondly your own.
58. Part of Tolstoy's greatness is that he has a very low opinion of people but he doesn't think any less of them for it.
59. Death is one of the biggest five letter words. So is Funny. So is Grace.
60. All you need is love. All you need is a buck. All you need is a fuck. All you need is some time to yourself. All you need is a break. All you need is a gun. All you need is a job. All you need is a holiday. All you need is a drink. All you need is a detox. Need I go on?
61. All you need is whatever. Whatever helps you make it through the night.
62. If the future is infinite then so is the past. All infinities are spurious. There's a syllogism in there if you wish to finish it.
63. Most syllogisms should go unfinished.
64. BE WARY OF APHORISMS.
65. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I repeat myself a lot.
66. When repeating yourself try not to become repetitive.
67. As Alan Moore did in Superman: Whatever Happened To The Man Of Tommorrow, try to finish with a wink.
68. More to the point, as Alan Moore did in Watchmen, try to finish with a wink.
69. Always cast your pearl amongst swine.
70. ;)
Monday 14 May 2012
Saturday 12 May 2012
25.The cool kids are not cool, just as daft as brushes. Some of them have hairstyles in the style of brushes. Brushes are alright. The cool kids are alright. Leave them cool kids alone.
26.The kool kids are cool.
27. Being anti Olympics is the same as being pro Olympics.
28. Being anti tornadoes is the same as being pro tornadoes. There ain't nothing you can do about it.
29. There are probably fewer things that you can do something about than you think. Find the right ones, the ones you can do something about.
26.The kool kids are cool.
27. Being anti Olympics is the same as being pro Olympics.
28. Being anti tornadoes is the same as being pro tornadoes. There ain't nothing you can do about it.
29. There are probably fewer things that you can do something about than you think. Find the right ones, the ones you can do something about.
Friday 11 May 2012
prologue:
"20. is going to be the one to change my life, I just know it"
Roger Rowley
21. Feel free to skip a point or 2, or 20.
22. It's damn near impossible to live up to people's expectations, don't bother trying to. Don't expect them to bother trying to live up to yours.
23. The basest people have always had the highest aspirations. The highest aspiration is a low one.
24. Instead of asking 'what more could I ask for', try 'what less...'.
"20. is going to be the one to change my life, I just know it"
Roger Rowley
--------------------
20. ----21. Feel free to skip a point or 2, or 20.
22. It's damn near impossible to live up to people's expectations, don't bother trying to. Don't expect them to bother trying to live up to yours.
23. The basest people have always had the highest aspirations. The highest aspiration is a low one.
24. Instead of asking 'what more could I ask for', try 'what less...'.
-----------------------
epilogue:
"You let me down on 20, Joe. you LET. ME. DOWN."
Roger Rowley
"You let me down on 20, Joe. you LET. ME. DOWN."
Roger Rowley
Thursday 10 May 2012
yet again more maxims
16. When it thunders, don't fret, say 'God bless you'.
17. When you break a glass, don't fret, say 'Mazeltov'.
18. When you drop and smash a bottle of Champagne, don't fret, say 'Bon Voyage'.
19. Underwhelmed, overwhelmed, you are still whelmed. Whelming is what happens between the shoreline and the sea.
Monday 7 May 2012
more maxims
12. We all remember our favourite teacher. They were our favourite teacher for being a human being above being a teacher. At some point our favourite teacher will inevitably have disappointed us by being a teacher above being a human being. It is one of the biggest lessons you will learn in school.
13. You want acceptance but you cannot accept unacceptance. Accepting unacceptance is an acceptance. GOD HATES FAGS. Get over it.
14. Using God to prove a point is like using the nazis to prove a point. It renders what you are saying absurd. Even more so with God than with the nazis, there's no denying the holocaust.
Sunday 6 May 2012
more maxims
9. We make such a cunt of time; deadlines, 9 hour work days or whatever,bedtimes and risetimes etc. If you don't make such a cunt of time it shan't treat you likesuch a cunt. Other people will inevitably try to make a cunt out of your time.
10. It is inexcusable to be sorry all the time. We have started using sorry to justify our bad behaviour. It is a convenient get out clause. Most of the time you use it you may as well be saying 'kiss my ass'. How about turning up on time for once instead of being sorry about being late?
11. Always turn up late any event held in your honour. This applies especially to your funeral.
Saturday 5 May 2012
Friday 4 May 2012
SK's maxims (ongoing)
take from these what you will because you inevitably will
1. Never compromise. Most of the time.
2. We cannot be certain of anything, I'm fairly certain of that.
3. Is tolerance good enough? It is and it is not.
4. Never attempt to hold a humourous conversation with a Frenchman, his humour is a mockery to humour.
5. The toughest cookie I know is also one of the sweetest I know. Let that be a lesson to you all, even the toughest cookies have some sugar in them.
6. When a racing driver gets killed in a grand prix crash we cannot feel too sorry for them, he died doing what he loved to do. When Spalding Grey jumped into a river and drowned, he died where he wanted to die. When a journalist gets killed in a conflict zone she died doing what made her feel important and valid, what she loved to do. Good for them.
7.
1. Never compromise. Most of the time.
2. We cannot be certain of anything, I'm fairly certain of that.
3. Is tolerance good enough? It is and it is not.
4. Never attempt to hold a humourous conversation with a Frenchman, his humour is a mockery to humour.
5. The toughest cookie I know is also one of the sweetest I know. Let that be a lesson to you all, even the toughest cookies have some sugar in them.
6. When a racing driver gets killed in a grand prix crash we cannot feel too sorry for them, he died doing what he loved to do. When Spalding Grey jumped into a river and drowned, he died where he wanted to die. When a journalist gets killed in a conflict zone she died doing what made her feel important and valid, what she loved to do. Good for them.
7.
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